


Standard Protocol

by PaperHatCollection



Category: Half-Life
Genre: M/M, Trans Barney Calhoun, brief description of anxiety attack, brief mentions of past family trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:13:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28683852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperHatCollection/pseuds/PaperHatCollection
Summary: They liked to say they had a competition going. See who could grow their hair out the longest before upper management got on their back. Considering the other stuff the two got away with, it wasn’t the craziest thing they’d done.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 12
Kudos: 65





	Standard Protocol

It took a couple seconds to gather his hair together towards the back of his head, running his fingers through it a couple extra times to make sure everything was in place to get pulled back into a small, low ponytail, and then another twenty minutes just tilting his head around at different angles, trying to get a good look at it.

Gordon patted the back of his head, noting that the palm of his hand could cover the ponytail with little to no effort, and make it look at if he’d never grown his hair out in the first place. Frankly, it wasn’t a half bad mullet (or, at least, the start of one) when he let it down, but it seemed a little… underwhelming like this. Which, he supposed, how _good_ it looked didn’t really matter, anyways. It was a safety requirement to pull or pin hair back once it hit a certain length, and it was- if only _barely,_ hitting that mark. If he wanted to get anywhere with this, he’d have to play by the rules. Safety first and all that. 

But _Still._

It was best to be in the habit of putting it up… Although it _did_ look a little silly like this, like he’d just glued an extra tuft of hair onto the back of his head. Gordon gave it a tug, as if that would magically extend the strands of hair, but only earned himself a sharp, although short, spike of pain instead. Ah yes. He graduated MIT for this. He supposed it wasn’t really… _that_ bad, really. Maybe most people wouldn’t even _notice_ his new hairstyle, or think much of it if they did- Besides, he really liked the idea of what it’d look like once he’d grown it out a little more. Maybe he was just working things up in his head? 

Or maybe it was just that he was overestimating how quickly his hair should be growing, given that Barney’s practically seemed to grow a couple inches everytime he took a _nap…_ okay, not really. But there was still a noticeable difference between how fast their hair grew, and how good Barney seemed to look regardless of what length it was at. Lucky. 

At some point, he really just had to commit if he was doing this. If he kept humming and hawing, he’d end up with his hair down to his waist and _still_ not think it was long enough. Gordon pointedly _stopped_ looking at his attempted ponytail and instead resumed getting himself ready for the day ahead, which ironically enough involved trimming his beard which- you know, sometimes Gordon wondered if he’d leaned a little _too_ far into the ‘nerdy, theoretical physicist’ look. Ah, well. He supposed commitment wasn’t a _bad_ thing. 

A little water splashed onto his face to clear away a few loose strands still stuck to his face, and freshen himself up a little, and Gordon was just about done here. He stepped towards the door out of the little bathroom, hand hovering by the light switch, and found himself giving one last glance at the back of his head in the bathroom mirror. Then he flicked the light off and turned his back on the mirror. It was fine. Really.

By the time Gordon was stumbling from his dorm room, he had a half eaten bagel sticking out of his mouth, was still working his tie on semi-one handed, and was trying to text Kleiner back on his work phone with the other. Not like the coworkers he passed in the hall, some still in the midst of getting out the _door,_ were any better. Some were worse. He passed by his coworkers, neighbors, and a bunch of other people he frankly didn’t know or recognize. Which, to be fair, Black Mesa was a pretty big place and people were assigned dorm rooms pretty randomly, so chances were at least _some_ of these people could work on the other side of the facility from him. Most of his immediate social circle were located within the Anomalous Materials labs anyways, hell, he’d _joined_ the department _because_ he already knew some people working there. And he was perfectly happy with keeping things the way they were.

With his tie tied, munching on the last few bites of his bagel, and sending his reply after triple checking his text for errors, Gordon stepped down into the transport station and glanced up to check when the next tram would be arriving. The tram system was fairly reliable- he’d never experienced any trouble catching a tram when it was time, nor knew anyone who _had,_ which also meant that no one was ever able to use it as an excuse for being late. Sometimes, however, Gordon liked to use that fact to cut things a bit close- but hey. He didn’t usually have a problem sleeping in on accident, so he didn’t see it being an issue anytime soon. 

Stepping away from the board, Gordon naturally searched for a nearby bench to sit on or place to lean against. This was the point in the day when most shifts shifted over- while there were much fewer people in the science division who were (deliberately) scheduled to during the late shift, overtime wasn’t that uncommon, and there was much more reason to keep security, janitorial work, and a few always-ongoing projects staffed at all times. Which also meant that the station was packed with his fellow scientists, waiting to begin their day- a few people were boarding a tram to sector A at the moment, clearing up some space on the platform, but Gordon didn’t really… feel like squishing himself into a crowd today. 

Instead, he opted for a bench not too far away from the platform, but enough so that there wasn’t anyone occupying it at the moment. A few people glanced at him as he stepped away, and Gordon felt a brief flash of embarrassment- what if they thought he looked silly or unprofessional or- Gordon took a deep breath and pulled his attention back towards his destination. He instinctively wanted to duck his head but that- well, that would only make the thing he was worried about more obvious, huh? Still, he hoped his walk towards the bench didn’t look _too_ obviously rushed. 

Gordon knew he had a reputation around the facility. After all, there were only so many times you could race around in the vents, or get caught racing the security team at three am using some spare office chairs (okay, that one only happened the _one_ time) before word got around. He wouldn’t doubt that a new haircut was the _least_ shocking thing people expected of him, honestly. So this wasn’t a big deal, really it wasn’t… he realized he was bouncing one of his legs in a nervous tick, his hand drumming nervously on top. Stopping the motion didn’t stop the nervous energy from wanting a new outlet. 

See, there was a difference. Between having ideas and bringing them to life. Didn’t have any problem coming up with ideas that bubbled under the surface and shimmered like stars, but couldn’t seem to open his head and get them out into the world without-

“Hey-ya, Doc. You doing alright there?” a voice asked out of the blue, from directly in front of him. It cut through his panic, reminding him of the bench resting under him and the feeling of his lab coat bunched up in one of his hands. Gordon snapped his head up, blinking against the light to focus his vision. He hadn’t even noticed dropping his head into his other hand, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he focused on- 

_Barney-_

Barney was standing not more than an arms length away from Gordon, helmet cradled under one arm and looking down at him. His hair- fluffy and curled slightly on the ends, was brushing against his shoulders and hanging free around his neck. As a guard, he could get away with a lot more under that helmet of his, before he had to start putting it up. It- It suited him, brought out the soft curve of his face and the browns and greens of his eyes, and Gordon briefly felt the urge to run his hand through the tufts and remembered how _soft_ it had felt, when he’d done that exact same thing just this last weekend. Of course, he knew what his own boyfriend's hair looked like, but there was something… different. Catching him unexpectedly, all dressed up for work and hair brushed back. Even the way Barney was standing, one of the fluorescent lights behind him illuminating his edges, just made him seem… Gordon felt his heart skip a beat right into his throat, and found himself swallowing again for a very different reason. 

He felt himself nod, but it was distant, like there was a layer of water between him and the actions his body was performing. Clearly, it didn’t seem to convince Barney much of anything, whose brows furrowed in concern as he shifted his helmet to place it on the bench next to Gordon, disappearing for a short moment. Or perhaps, Gordon thought, several minutes- he really couldn’t say how long it was until Barney was right in front of him, pushing a styrofoam cup into his hands and- oh, Barney was saying something, but Gordon couldn’t hear it over the sound of the water as he gulped it down faster then he’d thought he would, or the blood in his ears. The cup was empty too soon, and then Barney was gone, and then he was back with more water-

“-gotta stay hydrated Doc, ya’ know? Don’t know how many breaks they give ya’ll in those stuffy board rooms, but I mean if they name something after being _bored_ in ‘em then I seriously doubt they make very much time for snack breaks, huh?” Barney was saying- rambling, really, to keep the air filled with sound. With his voice. Gordon realized he could feel his hands shaking, the air sitting heavy at the bottom of his lungs, and tried to focus on the sound of Barney’s thick accent. “Hey, do ya' think they'd let us hold an honorary, 'Black Mesa Vent Race' for everyone? Maybe we'll even be able to make it an official sport, get everyone… in on…"

Barney's voice trailed off as his gaze drifted up to meet Gordon's, focused on Barney's face, and breathing coming more steadily to him now. Barney placed his hands over where Gordons were still wrapped around the small styrofoam cup, giving them a soft pat. "Hey, doc? You're gonna be just fine, promise." He said. Some piece of himself in the back of his mind, somehow still thinking clearly in all this, briefly thought that it was such a shame they weren't at one of their dorms right now, or near a break room. Barney would have gotten him an ice cube by now, and there was a heavy blanket back at Gordon's place that would've been draped over his shoulders. Barney continued talking, running his thumb over Gordon's hand as he spoke in a way similar to what Gordon did himself while trying to speak. "Think you're good ta' walk, doc? ...Tram’s almost here, and I _know_ being late wouldn't help ya right now."

Gordon nodded once, more grounded in the motion now, tongue resting heavy in his mouth. He didn't trust the words to come on the best of days, and he sure didn't now. He lifted one of his hands to his lips to sign his thanks, and used the other to push himself up and off the bench, his limbs briefly pulling against the action in the way they got after being tense. He shook his hands once he fully stood, trying to shake off some of the leftover nerves, while Barney grabbed his helmet and stuffed it over his head. Some of Barney’s tufts poked out from the edges of his helmet, and Gordon had to bite the inside of his cheek to distract himself from how cute it looked, when the two of them had a tram to catch. 

He hadn’t been kidding, when he’d said it was almost here. The tram inbound to the Sector C Test Labs and Control Facilities was opening its doors now, which at least meant most of the people aboard the platform weren’t paying attention to the two lagging behind the rest of the group. Something had been nagging at the back of Gordon’s head, an itch buried under the pressing needs of the moment and second place to awe at Barney's new appearance. It wasn’t til the two of them were pressing into the tram, filled with perhaps a couple more bodies than was strictly advised, and Gordon was glancing around the gathering of white-coated scientists in the tram for a place where he and Barney could either sit or stand together, that it hit him. The tram doors were sealing themselves shut as Gordon turned to give Barney a _look,_ raising an eyebrow at him quizzingly as he raised his hands and asked ‘Security guards have their own tram, don’t they?’

Barney ducked his head and grinned in that way he did when he was trying to hide embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck with a half hearted shrug. “Well, sometimes ya wanna catch up with a friend before work, ya know? Talk to em’ about stuff? Nothing wrong with- uh… Oh uh, we should get outta the doorway.” he gestured Gordon towards a spot in the back of the tram, slipping past some of the other passengers to get there. Most of the people in the tram seemed to still be in the process of waking, some with their cheeks pressed to the glass windows next to their seats despite the way it must be rattling against them, others standing if barely on their feet while keeping a hand on the straps hanging from the ceiling of the tram, and thus weren’t really bothered one way or another about a member of the security team hitching a ride with them to work. It’s not like it was _unheard_ of anyhow, but Gordon knew for a fact that Barney would have to catch at least _two_ separate trams to get here, one of which would involve missing his stop along the way. 

It was sweet, honestly, that Barney would go out of his way just to chat with Gordon- honestly made him feel a bit bad he had to come to his rescue, instead. Once they’d reached the back of the tram Barney gestured to Gordon to take an available seat while Barney stood by the back window, holding onto a bar at the top. Given that Gordon’s legs were still just a little shaky, he didn’t protest the chance to sit back down, though he did turn in his seat so that he could easily keep the conversation going. 

‘Barney’ he signed, and if anyone happened to notice his name sign for Barney was just one of the signs for ‘light’ done over his heart, then well- ‘My knight in shining armor.’ he signed, a big grin on his face as he leaned sideways against the back of his chair, gaze soft and sentimental as it settled on Barney. Barney’s response was to sputter and look away, face slowly going bright red. Gordon reached out, tapping the back of Barney’s hand to get his attention again, asking ‘You mentioned talking? Something on your mind?’ with a curious tilt of his head.

Barney’s eyes flickered from Gordon’s hands to his face, opening his mouth briefly as if to answer, before shutting it with a small shrug and bashful grin. “Uh- oh it’s, nothing. Don’t worry about it, Darlin’.” His gaze was flickering away, tapping his foot and fiddling with the cuffs of his work sleeves, all tell-tale signs he was nervous about something. After a moment, he paused, looking at Gordon. “Hey. Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s um. We can talk about it later, okay? Not uh. Not here.”

Gordon nodded, switching the topics a moment later. The tram ride was relaxing- much more pleasant than normal, compared to all the times Gordon had tried not to doze off on his feet while ignoring that fact he was stuffed into a small box with a group of people he only really knew in passing around Sector C. If Barney hadn’t needed to go so far out of his way just to be here, and would need to go out of his way to get back to where he was supposed to be, Gordon wouldn’ve suggested they do this more often. Or do the opposite, but that was the same problem in reverse- though. Maybe a little more difficult- the checkpoints for the guard’s trams required different security clearances just to get through, which Gordon just didn’t have. So surprising Barney back was a no-go.

Still, a part of him wondered what Barney wanted to talk to him about. Knowing him, it’d probably be tied into a new conspiracy he'd dug up.

Maybe he’d even found a _second_ alien space toad.

\-----

Somewhere along the work day, amongst paperwork and theories and hard data and break room visits, Gordon forgot Barney had meant to talk to him about something, and Barney didn't bring it up when they'd got off work together. They'd watched a movie instead, one of Barney's old favorites, and even though Gordon didn't understand _half_ of what was going on in it, he loved sneaking glances at Barney's face during it, the way he'd be enraptured by whatever was happening on screen.

Normally, that is. Tonight he just… didn't seem into it, gaze unfocused and only occasionally reacting to what was on screen, like his mind was elsewhere. The two were curled up together, snuggled under a blanket on one end of Gordon's couch, a bowl of popcorn resting on their laps. Barney hadn't touched the bowl in ages.

"Barney?" Gordon asked, voice soft and slightly rough around the edges from disuse. Selective mutism could be a real bitch sometimes, and it wasn't always up to Gordon when he decided to talk. He didn't do well in crowds- even among people he trusted, nor was he able to get anything out when stress started pinning down his tongue. But here, now, with Barney, the words came. "Penny for your thoughts?" he asked, his hand drifting to rest over Barneys, thumb rubbing circles into the back of his hand.

That brought Barney back to the forefront- blinking in surprise, gaze darting to the tv for a moment as if rediscovering it was even on, before turning his gaze towards Gordon. He was clearly lost for a moment, the gears nearly visible as they turned in his head, before he shook it clear with a small shake and refocused on Gordon. "Uh- sorry, come again?"

"What's got you so distracted, huh?" Gordon asked, shifting the popcorn bowl away to the little table he had set up in front of the couch. "Did something… happen at work?"

Barney blinked again, registering Gordon’s words, before looking away. Something was flickering under his expression, like he had something he wanted to say, but instead he just shrugged his shoulders. “Uh. Dunno. You know, same ol’ same old.” he was vaguely looking down at the blanket they were wrapped in, unfocused, and Gordon was worried he had gotten lost back in his thoughts before he sighed, eyes briefly shutting closed before opening, half lidded. “Just… tired, you know?” he muttered.

Gordon nodded, reaching for the remote and pressing pause, although Barney didn’t show any sign he’d noticed the sudden silence. “You… can stay the night, you know. If you’d rather not make the track all the way back to your place.” It wasn’t even unusual for them to crash at each other's place, and had Black Mesa not been so goddamn picky about security guards and scientists being dormed up in their own sectors, the two of them would have moved together a long time ago. Gordon reached out, brushing a lock of hair back from Barney’s face, tucking it behind his ear. Part of him was worried, seeing him like this, that there was something eating away at him from the inside. 

“... you know.” Barney began, eyes still focused on the edge of the blanket he was wringing around in his hands, slowly twisting it round on itself. “Back when I was a kid, growing up in the good ol’ south uh- you know. My ma didn’t really um, ever let me grow my hair out much. Made sure to get it cut whenever it got to my ears, always fussing about it being messy or unruly- um. Cut it real close when she did, you should _see_ some of the embarrassing photos I still got from my childhood.” he chuckled, or at least, the motion of it. It was missing that real _spark_ of joy that lit up in his eye when he did laugh, for real. “Always so worried about what people might say, what I wore, how I looked, it just uh- I… wonder what she’d think now, you know? Haven't spoken to her in years, but uh-”

“...” Gordon moved his hands up to cup the sides of Barney’s face, gently turning it towards himself. Gordons own expression was creased with worry, as he tried to work out what he should say. Barney had always been much better at- _people,_ then Gordon ever was. “... you… Barney. You ha- you have every right to look how you felt like. It’s not you fu-fault if you have- had an overbearing mother.”

“Yeah but-” Barney paused, eyes flicking off Gordon's face for a moment. “Ah, well. Other kids probably would’ve mocked me for it, anyhows.”

“Well, kids are stupid. Tra-trust me, I was a kid once.” Gordon countered. “Hell, once I moved the hands on the clock forward cause I thought it would make Sesame Street start sooner.” that pulled a little laugh out of Barney- perhaps more out of surprise than anything, but it lifted Gordons hopes a bit. “Well, for what it’s worth- I think… whatever you decide you want to do, I think you’ll… look good.” 

He winced a tad, worried about how awkward that sounded, but Barney simply sighed slightly and pulled one of Gordons hands down to hold in his own, shuffling closer to lean his head on Gordon’s shoulder. “... Thanks, Gordon. You’re a real swell guy, you know that?” another small laugh, but Barney just seemed…. Tired. “Hmm…” Barney shuffled closer, leaning on Gordon as he wrapped his arms around the guard. “You’re real comfy, too…”

It was probably time to call it quits, for the night. Gordon placed a kiss onto Barney’s forehead, brushing some more of his hair aside and gently curling it around a finger. He didn’t expect Barney to just- get over all that stuff from when he was younger, growing up. He’d never asked _why_ he’d cut ties with his family although he- had something of an idea. But, he could still be there for him, now. Along the way. 

Make a new memory or two.

\-----

Gordon’s hair had stopped growing at some point just past his shoulders. It was long enough for him to need to really _do_ something with it when he put it up for the labs, getting it into a bun or pining it up onto itself to make it shorter. It seemed to have hit a limit, unwilling to grow any longer than that, but Gordon was just fine with it as it was. If anything, it was nice to know what to expect from his hair from now on. 

_Barney’s_ hair, on the other hand- 

It was the middle of the night, and Gordon _should_ have been sleeping so he could get up bright and early for work and all… but… illuminated by the moonlight filtering in through his bedroom window, Barney slept besides him, his shoulders gently rising and falling with his breathing. Curled up on his side, face relaxed and calm while his mind was at ease, and his hair cascading across his shoulders and polling around his head where it was resting on the pillow. Gordon had a lock of it wrapped around his finger now, inspecting it the best he could in the dim lighting and his glasses resting on the nightstand beside the bed.

Ever so slightly curled, though that wasn’t as clear when it was allowed to grow out and it’s own weight pulled it down, but Gordon had never quite _noticed_ it before when Barney’s hair was short. Maybe he put some product in it that kept it straight or slicked back that Gordon had never noticed before, and it’d been abandoned when Barney’s hair had grown out exponentially longer. Hell, a few times _Gordon_ had helped him scrub shampoo into it- he was just gonna stop that thought right there. Besides, he thought he just might like the feel of Barney’s hair without it, or that it was simply relaxing to run some of the longer strands through his fingers.

… that wasn’t weird, was it?

He just… loved him. Loved him so very, very much. And sometimes it was just nice to… _let_ himself. Let himself love Barney’s laugh, and smile, and the way he’d gush about the things he liked thinking about, and how pretty his hair was. To just love Barney for the sake of _loving Barney._ He sighed softly to himself, letting some of Barney’s hair run across the palm of his hand and pool back onto the bed sheets. While he wouldn’t object too much if Barney wanted to cut his hair- if it was what _he_ really wanted- but he’d still miss it. 

The bed creaked for a moment as Barney shifted, and for a moment, Gordon was afraid he’d woken the other up. Instead, Barney rolled a bit closer to Gordon’s warmth, mumbling something in his sleep, but seemingly not waking up. Gordon closed the difference between the two of them, wrapping his arms around Barney and pulling the covers back over the two of them. Something in his chest was all light and fluttery, and he let himself relax into that feeling, his own eyes closing as he snuggled close to Barney.

‘I love you.’ he signed, in the quiet. Even if Barney wasn’t awake to see it. Just for the sake of saying it. And then he set about getting some sleep for tomorrow. 

\-----

“Oh gods, you don’t think it got into the vents, do you? I mean- it probably _couldn’t_ have but- okay but _where_ else could it have gotten off to-” Barney froze, in the midst of lifting one of his spare shirts off the floor of his closet, as a thought occurred to him. “You don’t think… someone _found_ it, do you? There- I specifically said that I didn’t want anyone to come in to clean my dorm when they’re doing their rounds, and it’s nowhere _near_ time for an inspection, but- oh man, what if he hopped out the front door and I didn’t notice, and then someone found him and- what if he’s in one of the labs right now, and I’d _never know-”_

 _“Barney.”_ Gordon’s voice broke through Barney’s ramble, pulling him out of whatever scenario his mind was running away with as he placed his hands on Barney’s shoulders. He was knelt down on one knee, making the other man turn towards him slightly. “It’s probably just sleeping somewhere. Found a cozy little spot to curl up and hide, and took a nap. It’s not the first time it’s done this, and it won’t be the last.”

Deep breath in, slow breath out. Barney nodded, but was still wringing the shirt around in his hands. “I… I know Gordon it’s just- I worry for the little thing, you know? It’s uh- the middle of a top-secret government facility isn't exactly the safest place for a little alien toad, you know?” he sighed, chucking the shirt carelessly into a pile of shirts in the corner of his closet, that he had already ‘carefully’ checked to make sure his toad wasn’t amongst them. “I’ve _tried_ making it an aquarium and everything but it- it just keeps getting out, and we don’t know _how.”_

Barney turned away, continuing to search the closest for any sign of the toad, sighing softly to himself. With his back turned, Gordon’s eyes immediately darted to the hood of Barney’s jacket, in which he could just barely see the top of a purple space toad’s back as it rose and fell gently in sleep. Gordon knew the toad was a light creature, but he’d bet Barney had also adapted to the weight enough to not notice anything pulling at his hood unless he tried to put it up. Gordon turned away, making a show of searching the bedroom with Barney, but also using it as a low-key excuse to tidy things up a bit as he went. 

Really, why did Barney have all his books just piled up on the floor next to his bed, when he literally had a perfectly usable and empty bookshelf just too steps away? Gordon happened to know, personally, that Barney was always complaining about knocking the books over or tripping on them in the mornings, but had never really gotten around to putting them away, either. Gordon more or less dropped them onto the shelves in an order that looked ‘good enough’, but still left them more than empty. Honestly, there was a lot of stuff that could get shoved into the bookcase and out of the way, and leave much fewer places for the little Chumtoad to hide… hmm.

“Hey,” Gordon broke the silence that had settled between them during the ‘search’, while he was in the midst of pulling Barney’s blanket back onto his bed, smoothing it out. “Did you ever pick out a name for the little guy or what?” he asked, mostly outta curiosity. He knew Barney hadn’t been satisfied when he’d suggested they call the strange, unidentified alien life-form a _Chum_ toad. Well- he’d thought it was cute at first, and had even tossed around the ideal of calling it the Chubtoad, but had ultimately rejected the idea once he realized what Gordon had implied by the name. Which- look, he was a scientist at heart. He could not change this. 

After a few moments of not getting response, Gordon tossed a glance back over his shoulder to find Barney pretending to inspect a clearly empty box (Gordon wasn’t even going to question why an empty ups box was just sitting in his closest), while trying to hide the fact a blush had bloomed on his cheeks. “Oh uh- yeah, kinda… you uh, don’t think he’ll um… toads aren't really known for coming when they're called, ya’ know?” he asked, turning towards Gordon once more and rubbing the back of his head. His hand was stopping just short of colliding with the toad's body, undisturbed from it’s sleep. “And I mean- I haven't even called it by its name _to_ it all that often, its um- just something fun. For me.” 

Hmm. “Well, we also don’t know much about the intelligence of _alien_ toads, but _Earth_ toads have been known to solve mazes and show the ability to have a long-term memory- who knows.” He smiled and shrugged, making a vague gesture with his hands that could translate to ‘good luck’ if you were thinking about it, but wasn’t really accurate one way or another. “Could be worth a shot?”

“Uh- um, oh, uh okay.” Barney was _definitely_ blushing now, glancing away from Gordon and shrugging his shoulders. “Uh- here goes nothing.” he paused again, glancing around the room as if hoping his alien pet would magically show itself, and staying silent just long enough for it to be an awkward amount of time, before clearing his thought and standing a little straighter. 

“Free… Freetoad?” he called, his voice wavering for a moment before he cleared it again, raising it a notch as he tried again. “Freetoad, you here boy?” As if in response, a sudden croaking sound emerged from the back of Barney’s hoodie, as small purple limbs pulled themselves free of the fabric, perching on the edge of Barney’s shoulders as it shook its body off from its nap, nearly toppling over in the process. 

Gordon _wheezed._

Barney was staring at the toad as if it had just sprouted wings and _flown_ across the room towards him, scooping it off his shoulder and holding it up to the light. It was, in fact, still his one eyed purple toad. Gordon was nearly doubling over at this point, as Barney shot him a _look._ “... Gordon, did you, perchance, _know_ it was in there?” he asked, voice wavering ever so slightly in embarrassment, matching the red blush on his face. Despite not getting an answer around Gordon’s laughter, he still sucked in a breath and shook his head, holding Freetoad close to his chest. “I can’t believe this. You’re killing me, Gordon. You know that? You’re killing poor ol’ Barney. Here I was, worried outta my mind that he could be lost or hurt or somethin’, and you weren't telling me nothin’.”

Gordon was too busy trying to _breathe_ to formulate an answer to that question, tears springing to his eyes from the continuous laughter as his emotions rolled through him. He ended up resorting to using his hands to speak, leaning heavily on the bedroom wall in order to stay standing upright. ‘I love you, you know? And if you do die, I promise to take good care of your pet for you.’ he turned his attention to the toad currently sitting in Barney’s cupped hands, the dumbest possible grin on his face as he signed, letter by letter, ‘F-r-e-e-t-o-a-d’.

Freetoad, as if sensing he was being referenced, let out a shrill, clicking like noise into the air, turning in circles in Barney’s hands as it’s called became a gentle rumbling. Barney transferred it into the crook of his arm, held against his chest, so that he could run his fingers along Freetoad’s back with the other. “... it’s been doing that a lot lately. Was perfectly silent the first couple weeks I had em’, and now it’s acting like it wants the whole _facility_ to find it.” he shook his head softly, smiling even as he reached out with a finger and booped the edge of his mouth, making Freetoad briefly pause to pull back and shake its body again. “Sure is vocal now, that’s for sure.”

Having calmed down enough to gulp in some much needed air, and wiping a tear or two out from under his glasses, Gordon approached and glanced down at the little toad, shrugging his shoulders softly. “Ma-maybe… _hee-_ If it’s anything like classic toads- it might’ve changed gender on you? Who knows, these things could have a dozen different genders for all we know, but I _do_ know that female toads are normally pretty silent, while the males make all the noises. I’m not a biologist, I only really know the basics of what I was able to look up.”

He reached out a hand to pat the top of the toad’s head, cooing at it while Barney seemed to process that information. He blinked slowly a couple times. “... toads can… do that?” he asked, sounding a tad bewildered, staring off into space for some reason. 

Gordon shrugged. “Yeah, it’s a pretty big plot point for Jurassic Park, actually.” he half joked, then shrugged his shoulders. “But like I said, I’m not really a biologist- it seems like sometimes they do it due to environmental pressures, and other times they just… do it. Dunno. A lot of creatures have the ability, honestly, and that’s not even getting _into_ the idea that pushing a very binary, human-based system onto most animals doesn't really work as well as most people _think_ it does-” Gordon paused and shook his head. “But that’s another matter entirely, huh? Well, Freetoad is perfectly safe, you’re rooms a little bit clearer… how about you say we break for lunch? My treat.”

Barney was still a bit out of it, focused on the toad nestling into his hand, and for a moment Gordon wondered if he’d really heard the conversation just now. Then Barney nodded, still not breaking his eye contact with the toad, humming softly under his breath. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great actually, Gordon. I owe you one, anyhow.”

\-----

Sometimes, you had to enjoy the simple things in life. Stop, have a couple drinks, maybe take a spin with the karaoke machine, have a couple _more_ drinks, chat about the past weeks worth of work- But hey, what else were you gonna do on a friday night?

While Gordon was proud of the work he accomplished- had developed years of his life and countless nights spent studying and researching and proving his worth to be where he was now- well, he wasn’t going to pretend like a good break wasn’t appreciated now and then, despite what some of the upper management seemed to think of it. Sure, they’d never outright _‘said’_ they wanted to overwork employees, but it sure didn’t stop them from fostering an atmosphere in which people prided themselves on working straight through several consecutive work days and how many all nighters they managed to pull before collapsing, paired with the rather… constrictive atmosphere of an underground secluded research facility. So it wasn’t really much of a surprise that the small town nearby, which was within a relatively short driving distance from the Facility, saw its fair share of tourism around the weekends and what few brief holidays they had.

And hey, a crowded karaoke bar sure beat the excitement of that rock sample you’d been studying for the last few weeks suddenly having an unexpected reaction to a new variable. And Gordon knew a lot of coworkers who worked through that _without_ having the occasional vent race or so to keep things interesting around there. (Not, mind you, that uncovering a new branch of data from a particular sample wouldn’t be interesting in its _own_ right, but then again, Gordon _was_ the scientist who theorized about ‘what-ifs’ for a living). But hey. They’d already completed the ‘gossip about work’ portion of the night, they could easily move on with other things.

Gordon was currently a bit of a wallflower at the moment, nursing the last of his drink as he watched some guy who he was fairly sure came from the R&D department sing his heart out to a song that was all in japanese, and which his performance was would probably have insulted someone who _actually_ spoke the language. But hey- the guy looked drunk, and like he was having fun, in that order. Occasionally, he caught a glimpse of Barney intermingling amongst some of his other coworkers- Barney had always been a social butterfly, and though Gordon had tried to keep up with him at first, he’d eventually stepped back to let him do his thing while Gordon waited on the sidelines. He caught a flash of him through the crowds, leaning on a counter and chatting with a young couple, dressed up for the night.

The guy was wearing a simple suit, while the gal had on one of those sleep black dresses. Nothing to fancy, just something quick and easy they’d thrown on for a fun night out. The dress the woman was wearing had a- a sparkle, or glitter, or something to it that made it twinkle where the light hit it directly, and made it that much more. He watched her brush her hand across it, smiling and laughing before saying something he couldn’t make out with her turned slightly away and across the room. Barney must’ve complimented it, or something along that line. A few more gestures and words later, and Barney parted ways with the couple, making his way back across the bar in Gordon’s direction. 

They’d dressed down for the occasion- Barney was just wearing an old plaid shirt of his and some jeans, that Gordon always felt made him look real soft. Even his hair looked soft and floofy, bunched up around his shoulders and allowed to freely curl as it pleased. Also, he had a goofy grin on his face and clearly a few drinks into a night, as made evident by his attempt to come to a stop next to Gordon. Barney seemed to overestimate his own momentum, stumbling forward a couple extra steps and bumping into Gordon’s shoulder, grabbing onto it for support as he wobbled on his feet. 

“Oh, heyya Gordon.” Barney said, looping their arms together and pressing into his side. Despite the sway he had standing on his feet, Barney’s voice came easily to him, uninhibited by the alcohol in his system. “Lots of folks out tonight, huh? Seems like the whole facility turned up. Everyone’s all… dressed up and looking pretty.” his eyes tracked across the floor, to where Dr. Cross and Dr. Green had decided to dance in the middle of the bar together, their slow dance not matching the pace of the current song _at all,_ but neither of them seeming to care. Barney sighed, something in his gaze softening, and… something else, in his gaze. Something that looked wanting, and Gordon gestured to the impromptu dance floor and set down his drink to take Barney’s hand in his own, spinning the two of them in place.

Barney laughed in response, shaking his head but pressing closer to Gordon all the same- likely because his balance was all kind of off at the moment, but also to pull Gordon’s hand around his waist. “Ah shuck Gord’, if we were gonna dance we shoulda done it _before_ the fourth beer. Don’t know if I can do much more than shuffle around to you lead, at this point.” he paused to glance down at his clothes, shrugging his shoulders. “M’ not even dressed right for a dance. Heh. Could you imagine that?”

Gordon would have loved to just keep swaying here with Barney for the rest of the night, but inevitably he had to pull his hands back so he could ask Barney ‘Imagine what?’. Barney stared at Gordon’s hands for a couple seconds, needing more time to process what Gordon was trying to ask, before sighed softly and glancing back over his shoulder at where the two doctors were still dancing the night away, Green lifting Cross up by the waist to spin around, causing the trim of her dress to flutter around her. There was that look in Barney’s eyes, again. 

“That. All sparkly and flowy and a nice… a cute dress and my hair all done up and…” he sighed again, leaning his head on Gordon’s shoulder, humming softly to himself for a moment as he lost himself in a thought. “But… ya know.”

Gordon tapped the side of his cheek to get his attention, then signed ‘I think you’d look pretty in a dress.’

Barney blushed, pulling back and shaking his head, sucking in a quick gulp of air. “Aw, common Gordy, you’re just tryin’ ta humor me.” his resolve faltered when Gordon repeated the phrase at him, insistent. “Aw… aw Gordy…. Don’t say stuff like that. Who knows what people might think.”

‘Pretty. Pretty beautiful charming.’ he said, leaning in to smooch Barney’s cheek. ‘Would look wonderful. Promise.’

Barney sputtered, looking away as his face turned a shade brighter, nervously bouncing in place. “I uh- uh- oh, hey Gordon, wadda ya say I take this round?” he asked in a a rush, before zipping off faster than Gordon realized he was capable of when he was this tispy. Or maybe it was _Gordon_ whose perception was a bit wonky at the moment. By the time he looked back up, he spotted Barney over by the stage next to the karaoke machine, punching in a song and climbing up on top, microphone in hand. Gordon drifted closer, watching curiously. 

The music started up out of the scratchy old speakers, and the first couple verses went by with Barney still blinking at the screen, focusing on it before lifting the mic up a little closer to his face than it needed to be, his voice mixing with the guitar of the song. Most people weren't paying all that much attention to begin with, but a few heads did swerve towards the stage when Barney began singing in ernete. He’d always had a charming voice, when he wanted to use it.

 _“.... and I should have said it before you were gone, cause I’m kicking myself for waiting oh so long~”_ Barney was, at first, simply standing in place, swaying lightly on his feet, eyes tracking the progression of the song. Then his eyes flickered off the screen, reciting the words with a familiar ease, searching past the bright(ish) lights illuminating the stage. _“And I should have held you near, but every time I feared-,”_

 _“That somehow you just wouldn’t feel the same…”_ Gordon was slipping past people now, unsure what path Barney had even _taken_ to get to the stage so much quicker than he had, keeping his attention on where he was going ftp ensure that he didn’t bump into anyone. _“So please don’t say that you’ll go,”_ Gordon’s attention flickered back up to the stage, where his gaze met Barney’s, as he smiled. _“My heart can’t bear the news-”_

 _“Just knowing that you’ll be, a thousand light years away if you do,”_ Barney drifted towards the edge of the stage, somehow not looking drunk whatsoever, though Gordon still waited nervously by the edge of the stage just in case he overestimated his ability to tell space and distance. _“Oh, if you do~”_ Barney perched himself on the edge of the stage, kneeling down on one knee so that he could be closer to Gordon, placing one of his hands on Gordons, resting on the edge of the stage.

Barney was smiling, rubbing circles into the back of Gordon’s hand. _“Well I’m just sitting here, gazing up at the stars. Let’s say we pick one out, and call the whole thing ours?”_ he leaned closer, his hand drifting up to rest on Gordon’s check, gently swiping his thumb under Gordon’s eye. _“And even thought the light we see, ain’t the same for you and me, well you’ll know and I’ll know-”_

Barney placed the mic down onto the stage, slipping his legs down so he was perched on the edge of the stage, holding Gordons face between both of his hands now. His voice was softer now, muttering the lyrics under his breath, gaze focused on Gordon. “That you and I can even be, a thousand light years away, and I’d…” he leaned closer, pausing to take in the expression on Gordon’s face, then closed the gap between them.

Their lips pressed together-

And then Gordon woke up in bed.

He blinked up at the ceiling, finding himself tangled up in the bed sheets and too hot, a headache creeping on the corners of his mind from last night's drinking. The room was dim, but there was light pooling under the door to the rest of the dorm, and the sounds of some news channel and the sizzling of a skillet cut through the walls. Gordon counted it as a success when he managed to get outta bed without hitting the floor. He debated pulling the blanket off and taking it with him, but shuddered at the thought of it pulling all the dust and debris and who-knows-what-else off the floor as he went. Sure he cleaned things fairly regularly, but… Still. 

Gordon stumbled out of the bedroom, yawning into the palm of his hand. He was greeted by the smell of bacon coming from his kitchen- well, kitchen _area,_ his dorm wasn’t really that big for a whole kitchen to itself- that Gordon followed until he found Barney standing in front of his stove, humming softly to himself as he flipped some bacon in his pan. Gordon wrapped his arms around Barney from behind, sighing contently and nuzzling the back of his neck. 

“Morning, doc.” Barney hummed, poking at a strip as it sizzled loudly. “Need anything to help with the hangover?” 

“I’ll live.” Gordon answered, stifling another yawn as he peaked over Barney’s shoulder, watching him transfer the bacon to a plate. “What about you? Feeling alright? Wanna go look at some dresses?” he felt Barney stiffen on him suddenly, freezing in place. 

“I uh. Hrg. I was real drunk last night, Gordon, don’t listen to all that.” Barney said, shrugging his shoulders and fumbling the plate off to the side, turning off the burner. “It uh. You know. How people get, when they get inebriated an’ all.”

“... aw.” Gordon pouted a little. “... you would've looked really pretty in one, too.” 

“... Ya really think that, Gordon?”

“Hmm-hm.” Gordon said, kissing the side of his cheek. “If it’s what you’re comfortable in, of course. Could see you a nice sundress, or one of those- watcha call it- shirt...waist dresses? Something pretty and blue and can twirl around while we dance in the living room~” he coo’d, smiling at the thought. “Think it’d really bring out your eyes~”

Barney sniffled. Gordon blinked, pulling himself out of the fantasy, worried he’s upset Barney. He tried to take Barney’s hands in his, only for Barney to turn around and smoosh himself into Gordons arms instead, shivering lightly. “... I- I uh, uh-” Barney shuddered, gulping. “Thank you, Gordy…”

Gordon wrapped his arms around Barney, nodding slightly, and holding him until he’d calm back down. Eventually, Barney pulled back with a small sniffle, smiling at Gordon. “I um… guess I might still just be a little drunk from last night, Gordon. Don’t uh- don’t worry ‘bout it okay?”

“... You know I love you, right Barns?” Gordon asked. When Barney nodded, nervously, Gordon continued. “And what you wear could never change that. And for the record… you’d look beautiful in anything, Barney.”

Barney shut his eyes, tilting his down for a second before nodding, opening them to look up at Gordon. “Of course. Yeah. Yeah of course. But uh, what do ya say we eat breakfast before it gets cold, huh?”

\-----

“You remember when I said- that I’d always wanted to try growing out my hair? But that I’d never really gotten the chance ta’ when I was younger?” Barney asked. Quite out of the blue, actually- Gordon pulled himself out of his book, taking a moment to process what Barney had just said and blinking at him from across the room, where Barney was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and a lazy grin on his face. And everything about his pose _screaming_ ‘anxious’. “You know, ‘bout how I was worried the other kids would make fun of it, or that my m- my parents never really let me control when I got my hair cut anyhow?”

Gordon nodded once, closing the book and placing it down at his side. He hadn’t even bookmarked it- he could figure out where he had been later, right now he didn’t want to take his attention off Barney. The other man finally fully entered the room- or perhaps stumbled into was the right phrasing, seeing as how he nearly tripped over his own feet, as if his balance was off. Barney collected himself a moment later, stuffing his hands into his pockets and seeming to look everywhere that _wasn’t_ Gordon. 

“Okay. Okay, so-” Barney bit the edge of his lip, seemingly debating something in his head, scrunching in on himself bit by bit the longer this went on. Gordon was starting to worry Barney might be getting sick, with the way he looked and was shivering, and as the silence stretched on without either of them saying anything, Barney leaned against nearby a bookshelf for support, nearly doubling in on himself. Gordon stood up, concerned, but Barney waved him off before shoving his hand back into his pocket. At this point he was clear they were shaking.

“Barney?” Gordon asked, almost surprised at the sound of his own voice as his anxiety twisted on itself in worry. “Are you- you okay? Do you- is there something I- something I can- are you… you know you can trust me, right?” Gordon asked, trying to make his voice sound softer. He was- well. A bit out of practice conveying tone compared to most. “If there’s something you need- sa-something you _want,_ anything, you know I’ll ha- I’ll help you as best I can, right? You know I wa-wouldn’t…”

Barney took a breath, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath to himself, and for a second Gordon felt his stomach _drop_ before the other continued. “All- Okay, alright. Gordon. Yes. Yes of course I trust you. That’s the only uh, that’s the only reason- fuck. No it’s, this- this is something I _want_ to talk to you about, it’s just… just…” his voice pettered off as he took another breath, and Gordon really was getting considered that Barney was about to make himself sick at this rate. “It’s um- it’s just that- what if uh…”

He was fidgeting in place now, hands digging into the sides of his legs as if searching for a way to ground himself, nearly shivering despite the warmth of the room. He shook his head, opening his mouth as if to say something, only to shut it soundlessly a moment later. Gordon was starting to get really worried about Barney- thoughts were racing through his head, that something had happened, that Barney had felt pressured to keep going when he wasn’t comfortable to avoid disappointing Gordon, that he was falling back into old trauma-

Another shudder, and now he was running his hands through his hair, intentionally or not pulling it in front of his face as if to hide. “Okay. Okay okay okay. _Hoo_ boy. What if. What if what if what if-” another shaky, deep breath. “Me. Gender. Girl?” the end of the sentence was raised up, pitch hiking as if to make it a question, gaze hidden behind a curtain of hair and body tense. 

Gordon blinked. Then took a step forward, hand raised slightly. A glance, a tilt of the head in his direction, and he took it as permission to start signing. ‘Beautiful woman’, he said with his hands, stepping closer. ‘My light. I love you.’ another step closer, and he reached out a hand. Froze at the way her shoulders hitched up, a beat of worry if he should give her space or wait, and then she threw herself into his arms. 

It was a long since familiar embrace, and Gordon found the weight comfortable in his arms, easy to support and cherished up close. The way their bodies fit together, like two pieces of a puzzle. For the sack of both of them not hitting the floor should B- should her legs give out from under her, Gordon guided the two of them towards the couch, and down on it. She didn’t seem keen on letting go anytime soon, and Gordon pulled back one of his arms to grab at the blanket resting on the back of the couch, pulling it sloppily over the two of them until he decided it was good enough. 

The weight shifted against his chest, and she pressed her face more into the crook of his neck, hiding herself in the mess of hair made in his own attempt to grow it out. Another shaky breath, and though he couldn’t see her making it from this angle, could feel the way her shoulders pulled up, imagined the way she’d scrunch up her expression, her eyes closing for a moment. “Gordon.” she said, voice nearly a whisper next to his ear. “This… I just, need to know. This is… this dosin’t… does it… change, anything? I… know this isn't. What you thought, when you started the relationship with me, but I-”

Her rambling was cut short by Gordon pulling back, meeting her gaze and placing one hand on the side of her check, gently cradling her close as he pressed their heads together. “It’s you. You’re the one I’m in love with, Light. Always have been, and nothing’s going to change that now.” he moved one of his hands down to hers, interweaving their fingers together. He watched a whole bunch of emotions fly across her face, before a few tears welled up in the corner of her eyes, before she collapsed fully into his arms. She went boneless on him, and Gordon leaned back, wrapping his arms around her in support, placing another kiss on the side of her head. 

“It’s… alot.” she muttered, and with his arms not willing to break the silence that was stretching between them, simply nodded and waited until she was ready to speak. He couldn’t see her face from this angle, curled up nearly sidewise on his chest, head ducked and tucked under his chin. Gordon ran his hands through her hair, untangling some loose knots, as he let her take her time. A few minutes passed, and then a few more. At some point, the tremble just under her skin seemed to ease away, and her breathing was coming more easily. 

“.... Gordon?” she asked after a few moments, shifting to lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling and holding one of his hands to her chest. “I… thank you. I love you too, ya know?” 

Gordon smiled, even if she couldn’t see it, and responded with a kiss to the side of her cheek. “Love you too, Light.” 

She chuckled, tracing circles into the palm of his hand, thinking about something. “You know, if you wanna call me… I… you know, I always wondered what I would… if I could call myself anything- but that. Picking something. That makes it… Real, ya know Gord?” she paused to take a deep breath. “I think it’ll… I think I’d like something that sounds similar to… well. It’s what I’m used to. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“... you okay with me calling you Light, until you're ready?” Gordon asked, just to be sure. He received a nod and a humm in reply, and took it to be a positive response. “... do you… want others to know? Or for this to just be between us?” he asked, hesitating for a moment or two, worried that he was asking it… wrong.

Another deep breath. “Maybe… maybe at least not until I’ve picked out a new name for myself.” she suggested, blinking up at the ceiling. “But not to- not to pretend otherwise. Not to act like I’m um. Just until I’ve had a chance to prepare myself, okay?” she asked, her own voice wavering slightly. “Just… soon. But not… yet.”

“When you’re ready,” Gordon promised, “it’s your choice who to tell, when to do it. And if what you need is _time,_ then you can have all the time in the world.” 

“Hmm.” she said at him, or maybe at the ceiling. It was clear she was tired from… everything, needing time now to just- rest. Adjust to things. “... you’ll be there, right?” she asked. 

“Every step of the way.” Gordon promised.

\-----

“You sure about this, Gordon?” his Light asked, standing behind him with the scissors. 

No, no he wasn’t. He didn’t _want_ to do this but he- Gordon wrung his hands together, biting his lip as his gaze flickered back to himself in the bathroom mirror. Caught sight of the charred patches of hair on the back of his head. He should have made sure the bun was more tightly pinned. That it wouldn’t fall loose and catch on anything highly flammable or reactive. Hell, he was _lucky_ the damage was only to his _hair,_ they’d had to shut down the whole _lab_ and a couple of the offices next door after his little… accident.

‘Damaged ends.’ he signed into the mirror, trusting she would be able to understand what he was saying in the reflection. ‘Gonna need to regrow anyways. Might as well start over’. He explained, biting his lip and shrugging his shoulders once, his hands flopping down to rest together on the edge of his sink. It was just the two of them, but still the words wouldn’t come, pinned back by a layer of anxiety and embarrassment that he’d even gotten into this situation in the _first_ place. Over his shoulder, he could see his Light doing her best to sort the damaged odds and ends from the rest, but no matter how you split things it didn’t change the fact that… a lot of it just… needed to come off.

“Okay. Gonna start cutting now…” she warned, leaning against him slightly to keep her arm steady as she started snapping at his hair. Slowly but surely, Gordon felt the weight begin to trickle off his shoulders, tufts and clumps of his hair falling to their bathroom floor where it could be swept up once they were done. Gordon winced when he noticed some large clumps of hair that needed to be cut off all at once, and the motion caused his Light to stop, her attention snapping to Gordon as if worried she’d hurt him somehow. 

Gordon gestured for her to go on, pulling his gaze back towards the mirror. A part of him was surprised by how… light his head felt, as most of the hair was cut away and left short, the cut needing to be closer to his head to keep everything even. It reminded him of his haircut from _before_ he’d started growing things out, as if all those months had only resulted in a couple inches at most. Gordon found himself running his hand over it once everything was cut off, still somehow finding himself surprised when his hair just… stopped, under his hand, at a certain point. He’d gotten used to things the way they were, he supposed. 

His Light had already gotten the broom, sweeping up the mess of his hair and dumping it off into the little trash can in the corner of the room. It almost looked like they had a really weird, really lumpy cat. Gordon pulled his gaze away, still finding himself running his hand over the hair on his head and, despite having taken a ‘shower’ in the labs to ensure there were no more chemicals on his person- decided he felt like he needed to freshen up. The warm water would help him relax, anyhow. 

One shower later, and Gordon was feeling… better. It hadn’t taken nearly as long to clean his hair as it had in recent months, and getting _dry_ was- well. He hadn’t realized how much time drying his hair had tacked onto the end of things until he had it over and done with within a fraction of the time, leaving himself to just throw on a spare set of loose clothes (one of his Lights’s old band shirts he’d picked up in college, and an old pair of sweatpants Gordon owned) before stumbling of of the background in search of his Light. 

She wasn’t hard to find, sitting on the couch in the middle of the dorm while watching something or another play out on the TV. Gordon flopped down onto the couch next to her, curling into her side and letting himself flop against her, dropping his head onto her shoulder. Her hand came up to rustle the top of his head, brushing the short stranded slightly to the sides as she did so. “Feel any better?” she asked, tilting her head at him with a soft smile. 

Gordon sighed, then nodded. “... Yeah.” he admitted, turning more into his side as she wrapped an arm around him. He found himself messing with a long strand of his Light’s hair, curling it around his finger, while appreciating the fact he didn’t have to keep brushing his own out of the way. It never sat how he wanted it, or like his Light’s, which slipped into perfect little streams at his back and the sides of his chest. He was starting to get real close to admitting something he’d realized after he finally followed through with cutting the extra hair off, actually… 

“You I think… I think I might… go back to keeping it short.” Gordon admitted, the words feeling a little stiff as they tumbled out. “It’s a bit easier to manage. And k-keep out of the way during work. Besides, I never could pull it off as well as you can, Light.”

“If that’s what you’re comfortable with, Gordy.” she said, planting a kiss on his forehead. “Lova ya. No matter what, kay?” she said, half teasing as she wrapped both hands around him and peppering his face with a few more kisses. Gordon blushed, turning a bright shade of red, and tried to hide his face in her chest while she giggled at him. “Aw, come on Gordon, don’t be like that.” she coo’d, trying to coax him into showing his face again. “Common- let’s see that cute face of yours~”

‘No.’ he signed at her. 

“Gooooooooordooooon-” she whined, getting a little sneaky on him as she reached a hand down to try and tickle his sides. That caused Gordon to _jump_ slightly in response, swatting her hands away and curling up a little tighter in response. “Aw common, don’t go all roly poly on me, Gordon.” she paused as he said something out loud, but it was too muffled to make out. “Aw shucks, you’ll pull out memes on me but you won’t let me give you a little kissie? Common out little theoretical scientist man, pspspsps~”

Gordon peaked out to give her a _look,_ to which his Light took the opportunity to plant another big kiss on the tip of his nose. Gordon sighed, face still bright red as he lowered himself to lay on the couch, head resting on the side of his Lights leg as she ran her hand through his hair, humming softly to herself. “... You know what Gordon, I think short hair really suits you.” she said at last, kneading her fingers softly over his scalp. “Besides, I forgot how much fun it is to mess with it like this.” 

… maybe it really was good, like this. He could probably think of a _few_ people who’d be let down that he’d finally cut it off, but hey- he’d gladly trade the ponytail away for moments like this. He nestled in, letting himself relax, and tried to focus on whatever was on the TV. Currently a bunch of colorful, puppet like creatures were running around on an island, eating a bunch of food with googly eyes on it. Then one of the characters started to talk about being clinically depressed. Gordon didn’t understand cartoons. 

“... Think I might have an idea, actually.” his Light said, breaking his attempted concentration on the show and drawing it back to her. She was tapping the edge of the couch cushion she was sitting on, nervously watching the program playing out in front of her. “... A name, that is. I think. Think I’ve uh- I’ve got it.”

Gordon sat up quick enough he almost slipped off the couch. “You sure?” he asked, watching her closely. 

She smiled, and there was that twinkle in the back of her eye. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I am.”

And then… she told him. But that was for Gordon to hear, and echo, and whisper to her a thousand times over a thousand sleepy mornings.


End file.
